He turned into the warmth of the sun and closed his eyes, feeling the breeze on his face and lost himself to thought.
A noise brought him out of his trance, and he turned to see Barth walking towards him.
“Gereth, you’re up early. Watching the sunrise?”
“Um, more or less. It’s nice out here. Quiet. It helps me think,” Gereth replied.
“Humph. You think too much.”
“You aren’t wrong.”
Barth turned and looked at his friend. He looked tired like he hadn’t slept and he was wearing the same clothes he had the day before.
“Have you been up all night?” asked Barth.
Gereth didn’t respond, not right away. He turned his head back to face the sun and closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts before continuing.
“Is there such a thing as an end? Master said life is like a circle, like a ring. No beginning and no end. Birth, life, death, and then birth again. Over and over again. But… I.”
“But what?” asked Barth.
“I began. My awareness began when I was born and will end when I die. Does my ability to reason exist outside of life’s circle? Something is wrong here. I’m missing something. I don’t understand.”
Gereth finished speaking, and they both stood in place, watching the sun finish rising from behind the horizon.
“Is that why you’ve stayed up all night? Because you don’t understand that stupid old man’s analogy?”
“Master is not stupid,” said Gereth.
“Still, is that why you’re wearing yesterday’s clothes?”
“Yes and no.”
“Tell me,” said Barth.
“I feel like I have slid down to the end of my rope, any farther, and I risk losing grip of all that’s left. If I do, what will happen? Is the ground inches beneath my feet like in some story, or will I fall, out of control tumbling this way and that until I finally do hit the ground? And when I hit the ground, will that be the end? Does that mean death?”
Barth had no idea what Gereth was talking about. Rope? What rope? He mentally reconfirmed his friend’s nack for overthinking, but didn’t say anything and let him talk. Maybe, if Gereth got it all out, he would feel better.
“Or can I get back up no longer tethered to a rope, no longer falling through life, and instead take a step forward. And then take another, and another. Will I finally be on the right path in my life? Will it hurt? Is there such a thing as an end to my rope? Is there such a thing as an end?
Gereth looked at his friend with honest concern written on his face. All Barth could do was return his gaze with a perplexed uh-face, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Gereth continued.
“I am so insignificant in the circle of life, not worth mentioning, not even a footnote. But then so is everyone else. I’m not falling through life. I’m not at the end of my rope.”
“You’re not,” asked Barth stupidly.
“I’m not taking a step in any direction. I’m wallowing in the mud like an idiot, too dumb (no not dumb) too weak of mind to take control. Life controls me. I’m like a leaf on the breeze, a ship without a sail, at the whims of external forces to help me progress. And I can progress. I do progress when I get the right wind or current, but the progression is according to the wind and the current. There is no master plan. The wind is mindless.
Why am I so weak? And why do I know that I am? Why can’t I be ignorant like an animal? To eat, sleep, fuck, and die? No, I have to think. I must reason. To understand and question and re-question life.
One day, sooner or later, I will be dead. I will die, and none of this will matter anymore. Well, not to me anyway. Maybe someone else will care, but I won’t.
Does it really matter? What matters? To what degree? In an hour, will it matter? In 15 minutes, will you care? Too many things matter when they shouldn’t.”
“I see,” said Barth.
“You do?” asked Gereth.
“I mean…um…wow,” said Barth.
“It doesn’t really matter. Anyway, it was nice to say it out loud. Thanks, Barth. For listening, I mean.” Gereth yawned.
“I’m going to get some sleep.”
And he walked away, leaving Barth standing in the rays of the new day’s sun, thinking.
Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
